did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
