If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
