nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize