theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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