oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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