he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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