This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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