he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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