mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
