Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
