I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
