i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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