if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
