I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
