Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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