the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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