Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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