she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
a search helicopter?!
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
