Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
