I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
