Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
