i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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