The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
pray to the hookup gods
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize