I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
