I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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