Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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