I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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