It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
