I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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