I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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