I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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