i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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