the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
