we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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