babies were throwing up all over the place
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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