i jhust puked up my retainher.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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