so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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