i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
