I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize