he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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