I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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