i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
