see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
that's an acceptable place to lick
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I can't put those talents on a resume
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
