tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
