I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If I die, sorry about rent.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
