my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
