So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize