sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
