life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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