i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize