Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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