haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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