An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
