Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
be right there i have to get my cape
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
