I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
