I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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