she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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