Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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