low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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